With Any Hope...

 

Nothing prepared me for this major time of reflection in my life. If only I knew back then, what I know now. Things would be so different. But all of the philosophical and psychology books that I read this past year can’t change any of it. I guess it’s only fair that I start from the beginning.   

The year was 1997, and I had finally broken up with Bobby. Looking back, I have no idea what I saw in him. He wasn’t that good looking with his chunky frame, knotty hair, and pimpled dark skin, but he had an engaging charisma, so Teep that it attracted almost every girl that crossed paths with him. It was mainly his intelligence and wit that kept us together for the last three years, until I no longer captivated his attention. His cheating ways had become too much of a burdened for me to bear. I held too much resentment. So, I decided to leave him and move in with my girl, Nel, who was like my mini – me. Although her small, petite frame contrasted with my womanly, full figured curves, we both had dark, long black hair and that fiery Latina personality. The only other difference between us is I am half, my mother is Puerto Rican and my father is black. Being at Nel’s place helped me release some of the frustration that I had for this rollercoaster relationship. Bobby had let me down for the last time, and I needed a moment to reflect on us, heal from it and move on. In other words, I was in the process of accepting that our relationship was over when I moved in with Nel. I felt like I could start over at her place.  

      “Mina, you can always stay here. I was worried about you with that fool anyway,” Nele   

        said.

       “Why’d you hook us up then?” I said.

       “At that time, I thought he was cool. Who would’ve ever thought that he would turn into  

         such a pijo,” explained Nele.

       “I definitely would’ve never thought.”

       “It seemed like some sort of weird, retarded destiny when he showed up at my house after stalking

        you at the mall.”

       “That was pretty wild. I still haven’t figured out how he knew that I would be at your place.”     

       “Who knows. Don’t sweat it. You were true, so the blames lies on him.”

She’s right. I was true to him the whole step of the way. I kept telling myself that he didn’t deserve me. In theory, I knew that he didn’t, but sometimes it was hard for my heart to really believe that I didn’t cause him to cheat. I don’t know. Anyhow, Nel and I laughed as we reminisced about old times. True girlfriends are so needed for advice and understanding when you have traveled through a bad relationship. I had no desire to talk to Bobby while she was around me. But being alone was a different story. When you are by yourself, it’s hard to fight the temptation of wanting to call your ex. The relationship’s seemingly good memories haunt you. Those types of memories are so deceptive. I started to think about how I used to feel so warm and safe when he kissed me or how I laughed uncontrollably until my sides tingled at the funny jokes he told. I thought about our intellectual conversations. Bobby was so smart. He actually read the newspapers and listened to talk radio, like the ones on the AM stations. He was so knowledgeable about everything. What a waste of talent. He could have been anything that he wanted or had anything that he desired. He could have had me, forever.

    “What are you doing?” Bobby asked.

He called me at Nel’s out the blue one morning.

     “Busy. Why?

     “It’s like that? I was just calling to say what’s up and check on you.”

     “Well, I’m fine.”

In the background, I could hear his pager going off. He paused. And I knew he was checking it. Then, the lie came next.

     “I gotta go return my man’s page.”

    “Sure, whatever.”

He would hang up with no more than the next word being peace. It was probably some trashy girl or one of his runners paging him.

Like any other normal man, I guess Bobby tried to call me here and there because he missed what he had. His “once in a while calls” still didn’t fulfill the need for attention that I secretly craved from him. Men are so interesting. When a good woman is in their face, then they don’t know how to deal with it. So, they dismiss you with one swipe of inconsideration. As soon as that good woman leaves, then that man chases after what he now misses. The male cognitive behavior book, another fancy word for psychology, that I am reading now says that men are simple. I guess if a woman ignores her man, then he will come running. I hate those types of games. I just want someone to love me for me. Can I be loved? Why can’t it be that easy?

     But, I have to admit that games must be used sometimes. About two months after I moved into Nel’s place, this strange guy called her house phone.

     “Did someone page Tee?” He asked.

     We responded with the usual, “sorry you have the wrong number.” But the guy called more, even after several “I’m sorry” responses. Eventually, Nel decided to talk to him.

     “How come I keep getting a page from your number?” he wondered.

     “How the hell am I supposed to know? I’m telling you, nobody here paged you,”

       Nel replied.

     “No disrespect. I’m just trying to figure this out. Do you know Tye?”

     “No.”

     “Ray Ray?”

    “Look, I told you I don’t know none of ‘em!”

    “You’re feisty. I like that. You gotta’ man?”

    “Maybe, maybe not.”

    “You like to play games, sexy?”

One more compliment later, they were all buddy buddy. We had no idea why he kept getting a page from our number. We didn’t know what was going on, which heightened Nel’s curiosity about him. She talked more and more with this guy. I thought that Nel was a little silly for doing that, but what could I do if she decided to date this fool. It turns out that this mysterious stranger’s name is Terrel. As they talked more, Terrel started to brag to her that he was a lawyer, drove a BMW, also had a Mercedes and had a nice house up north. He said all of the right things that would catch any woman’s attention. The source of how he got our number became an oversight. Nel no longer cared about that anymore. Terrel was becoming even more attractive to her, even though she never met him. Her behavior is an example of how some insecure women fight for the idea of having a man.

In these books that I’m reading, I’m learning that if a woman feels some sort of passion for her man, then she really believes that she is in love. Is she really or is it mere infatuation? She could be in love with the idea of having a man without really being in love with him. It’s his attention that she craves. His attention equals love in the mind of a woman. Every woman wants to be adored and wanted. Every woman likes to brag to her girlfriends about what a good man she has or that she has a man at all. Her fixation on the idea of having a man could be the motivating thing that drives her to make hasty decisions in regards to her man. No woman wants to be the older, unmarried maid who is labeled as “crazy” and unable to “keep a man.”   

Anyhow, back to the story. That’s enough of my theorizing everything. Eventually, Nel wanted to meet this Terrel, which I again thought was stupid.

     “What you look like? You betta’ be a cutie,” Terrel pursued.

      “Oh, you don’t have to worry, Papi. I’m definitely looking right,” Nel said.

      “Well if you are, we gotta have some one on one.”

       “Maybe so.”

They both wanted to get more acquainted with each other if you know what I mean. So, they decided to meet. I just hoped that her feelings wouldn’t get hurt.

      “Girl, you might wanna come, like on a double date. He got dough. You wouldn’t have to        

        pay for anything,” Nel begged.

       “I don’t know Nel. I just don’t feel like going out that much,” I explained.

       “Com’on, it’ll be fun. I’ll ask him to bring a friend.”

She’s right. I should go out and meet someone new. It’s better than sitting around and staying in the funk that I was in. So, I allowed her to convince me to go with her. Terrel agreed to bring his friend, Dre. I just prayed that these dudes wouldn’t turn out to be scrubs.

Mentally, I must admit that I was just not over Bobby yet. Although I didn’t call him, my fond memories of him still plagued me. I guess I still believed in the idea of Bobby. No woman truly likes to be alone. As soon as Nel and I set up a time and place with Terrel, I decided to make sure that Bobby found out about our double date. I wanted to make him jealous. I wanted him to feel the hurt that I felt when he cheated on me. I needed him to feel that same shooting pain in his heart and lump in his throat that I felt when different girls would call my phone claiming to be his “girlfriend.” I wanted him to have sleepless nights, tossing and turning with me heavy on his mind. I needed him to feel all of those things. I wanted him to be pissed. I yearned for him to feel the same resentment that I felt. I guess I still needed that type of attention from him.

So, I decided to call Neesey. She answered on the first ring. She always has her ear to the phone, ready to gossip about you and your whole family.

     “Hey gurl. Where you been? I ain’t talk to ya’ in a minute,” Neesey probed.

     “Busy going out all the time,” I lied.

     “Where you been going? I cain’t ever find something good to do.”

     “Well, my girl Nel and I’ve been hanging with these fly ass dudes. They are so   

      paid. They take us out all the time.”

     “Is that right?”

     “Yea, we’re going to the movies with them this weekend.”

     “What y’all gonna see?”

     “We’re going to Kennywick mall to see “Long Kiss Goodnight.”

That cow gobbled up my story like it was her last meal. Neesey was the best person to tell about my double date because she was Bobby’s “best female friend.” I knew that she would go back and share this info with him. Her fake ass pretended to really care about me. It shocked me to find out during one of my past heated arguments with Bobby that she was actually sleeping with him. What in the hell was he doing messing with her over the hill ass? She can’t get no man her own age, so she had to settle for some nineteen year old. That nosy heffa couldn’t wait to see me dump Bobby. She would never have a shot at a real relationship with him. Plus, she got a shit load of kids. He only stuck around her because she caked him. She would buy him all kinds of Polo shirts and Hillfiger jeans.  All she’ll ever be is his side girl.

She could continue to play that role. I didn’t need her to be my home girl. Girlfriends are supposed to be your confidantes. They won’t share your business, but sit and listen to you with a real, genuine love. Sometimes, it is so hard to trust other women. It can be difficult to discern between a good and bad friend. I’m reading that in the perspective of an emotionally abused woman, it can seem like everybody is against you. I hated Neesey more and more when I found out about their secret love affair. So, I decided to manipulate her in the same way that she tried to manipulate me. I remembered to tell her all of the details of my date, like time and location.

Sure enough, she told Bobby because he called me soon after. He immediately brought up the subject of Terrel. He admitted that Neesey told him. Many dormant feelings came out of me in that conversation with Bobby. I still cared for him. His deep, rich baritone voice brought back those beautiful thoughts of the beginning of our relationship. I really missed him, even though I tried to hide it. I still wanted to be what the other girls hadn’t been to him, which was developing the patience to understand him. I really tried hard to feel him. I wanted to know his struggle, which explained why he did the things that he did. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough with him. I’ll never really know.

Bobby also confessed that he was the one paging Terrel with our number. I was so confused. I couldn’t fathom why he would do that to us. He explained that Terrel owed him some money, and he intended to collect on it. He wanted to use me as a decoy to bring Terrel to him, so he could beat him up. Wow, so much for me trying to make him jealous. He was acting selfish as usual. He didn’t seem to miss me at all. I knew then that it was definitely over. To hell with him. Why does a man always want his woman’s world to revolve around him? I’m learning from this one Teep book that parents and society raise little girls to center their life goals on the men in their lives. “Don’t forget that you have to get married and have babies before you become too old” is what young girls continue to hear as they grow up. I know it’s what I always heard.

This other psychology book that I am reading talks about how real dichotomies exist in the training of a woman. Subservience, yet independence outline the “American Womanhood Bible.” Women are given an education, which makes them independent, but are taught to be subservient to a man and allow him to lead no matter the level of her education. For example, the woman takes on the last name of the man after their wedding ceremony. She is now the property of her man. This tradition seems to honor the woman through the festivities surrounding the ceremony, but in essence, it is a form of submission. This idea is sold to women through major marketing schemes. Women internalize and then fantasize over the idea of being married or being possessed by their man. A woman then spends her life fighting to have a man and not truly deciding if she really loves her man. She romanticizes over love and ends up settling. Okay, back to the story. My resentment immediately leads me to say no that I didn’t want to be involved.

    “What the hell you mean no?” Bobby yelled into the phone.

    “What don’t you understand? I’m not trying to get caught up in your bs!” I replied.

    “Look, I’ll kill you and your whole family if you don’t do this!”

I paused. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to threaten me. But what if he made good on his threat? I didn’t know if I could take that chance.

    “Let me think about it.”

    “Don’t take too long if you know what’s good.”

What should I do? I had to sort this out in my head. Although Bobby scared me at times, I still cared about him. I knew what he was capable of from seeing his past drug deals. When somebody owed him money in the past, he would just knock them out. The person didn’t die or anything. Maybe if I did this one last thing for him, then I could prove that I understood him and was down for him. In the past, he accused me of not really being there for him, just like the other girls. He claimed that was the reason why he cheated on me. Maybe there could be a chance for our relationship if I did this one last thing. He wouldn’t need to cheat if he saw how down I was. I don’t know. My mind was all over the place, so conflicted.

If only I could let go of these damn memories. Be careful of your memories because they can always turn on you at any given moment. My memories of who I am turn and change on me constantly. After I got with Bobby, I couldn’t remember who I was. Bobby has changed me. He made me forget the real me. Looking back, I realize that my lies that I told for him have tainted my memories of who I used to be, the person who my parents raised me to be.

I am surprised. You ever surprise yourself? Some people are astonished by their smarts, wits, influence over another, or ability to out think another. I also amaze myself at given moments, especially on my willingness to put myself in a wrong situation and to love someone who wasn’t capable of loving me back. At that moment when I told Bobby that I would think about it, I lost control over my life. I gave him the power. I let him know that I could be persuaded. I should have stayed firm with my first response of no. At this point, I felt like life was happening to me instead of me controlling my life. When your life seems like a movie and you seem like a mere observant, then you have lost all authority of who you are and your actions. Many times, I have to ask myself- Lana, how did you get here? Maybe I am being tested by God. He probably wants to be sure that I am a good person by the decision that I will make.

My decision could have a huge domino effect on so many people. If I say yes and help Bobby, then Terrel could get hurt. If Terrel gets hurt, then his family and the lives of all the other people who depend on him could possibly be hurt. I am in the fire. You can perceive a person’s true quality and character when they’re put in the fire and by their reaction to it. I just learned this from a new word that I’m reading about. Existentialism. This state of being is the test. When you are in the thick of any stressful or intense moment, you realize the true strength of your character. How do you exist in the fire? Do you think clearly or do you act totally irrational? What is the true power of your character? Are you good or bad? I learned about the will of my spirit in the heat of my indecisiveness. I was a powerless, helpless mute who couldn’t think straight nor voice what I really wanted to say when it came to Bobby.

I wanted to scream at him about all of the hurt he put me through. But I just couldn’t. His presence was so overpowering. Being in Bobby’s atmosphere began to demean me, kidnap me from who I used to be. I used to be a normal eighteen year old who had morals, good grades in school, obeyed her parents, and would hold steadfast to her beliefs. Nature vs. Nurture, another new word for me. Because of nurture or my surroundings, my nature began to change. My environment with Bobby changed my personality at times. When I argued with the girls that he cheated on me with, I felt out of character. My loving persona began to become harsh, bitter, and angry. I didn’t feel like my natural self. Like every other man, Bobby always wanted me to act a certain way. He killed off the good things that I really liked about myself. He began to make me hate me.

My thoughts can run so rampant, just need to vent at times. Let’s get back to the story. I didn’t want to involve Nel, so I didn’t tell her. More bad luck came to me. Nel couldn’t go on the double date anymore. Her son got sick, so she had to stay home with him. Of course, his deadbeat dad was nowhere around to help watch him, so she had to do what she had to do. Being a single mother can be hard. I sympathized with her, but I wanted her to go. I was scared to go alone because of the predicament that Bobby put me in. Nel begged me to go. She really wanted to see what Terrel looked like. If he was cute, then she instructed me to bring him back to her apartment. I said forget it to myself and ignored my nagging instincts that told me that this situation would end up bad. Subconsciously, I guess I wanted to prove to Bobby that I could be everything that he ever needed or wanted.

So, I decided to go through with it. It was about 9 o’clock at night. I had made plans to meet Terrel and his friend, Dre, in the parking lot of the mall, since he was unfamiliar with the area. We were meeting, supposedly, to see “The Long Kiss Goodnight” with Samuel L. Jackson and Geena Davis. As I got into my car ready to start my engine, my nagging intuition returned. I felt that something terrible would happen. My palms were sweaty and my head grew lighter as I drove to the movie theatre. I kept trying to form a recovery plan in my mind. I didn’t want Bobby to kick Terrel’s ass. I also tried to convince myself that Bobby wouldn’t beat him up too bad. I’ve seen Bobby fight before. He can lay a guy out in one hit. The uncertainty about how bad the drama could turn out became too much for me. I decided to get Terrel away from the movie theatre. I started to practice excuses in my mind. My brain was working overtime as I pulled into the mall’s parking lot and didn’t see any sign of Terrel’s BMW. I parked my car and walked into the theatre.

As I entered through the double doors, Bobby slithered out of the shadows and surprised me. I almost forgot how attracted I was to him. We hadn’t seen each other in two months. Not seeing him added an alluring appeal to his presence. I immediately had an image of the way he touched me when we made love. His arms were like two thick blankets on a cold night, aching to give you warmth and comfort. He was so big and strong. I really missed him. I can’t lie. But, I had to snap out of it. I almost forgot my purpose of stopping a bad situation from happening.

I didn’t let him know that I missed him. My body language was distant and standoffish. I didn’t want to seem open and soft, like I was going to let him boss me. Trying to be peaceful, I walked up to him calmly.

         “Look just be cool Bobby. I am really scared. Please don’t make me do  

          this,” I gently begged.   

         “Oh, you WILL do it,” he rebutted.

His eyes looked demanding and soulless, like the situation was non-negotiable. I boldly stepped closer to him. No more playing nice. I was growing tired of his shit. What did I have to lose by standing up for myself?

        “No, I’m NOT going to do it,” I stressed.

The resentment of my past heartache with him had finally built up in me. It allowed me to be brave, but infuriated him at the same time. He glared back at me and grabbed the collar of my shirt, pulling my face closer to his. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I guess he had been drinking his favorite, Jack Daniels.

      “If you don’t do this, then I’ll kill you. I’ll kill your whole damn family.”

I thought of my mother and father. They were good parents, always begging me to leave this street, runaway life and come home. If only I had listened. Would he actually hurt them? I looked into his eyes again. There was no warmth, like his soul had already deserted his body. Maybe he would kill my entire family. It seemed like the life was already gone from him. He seemed possessed by something that I didn’t want to be part of. Something in my head ordered me to stand my ground. I couldn’t ignore the echo in my thoughts. It was like God was fighting for my soul.

        “You ain’t gon’ do nothin. Go to hell!” I yelled.

I shook myself out of his grasp and stormed off. Although it felt good to stand up to him, a part of me felt a little guilty for doing it because I still cared about him. Why am I feeling so guilty about doing what’s right? Forget him! All of the hurt and anguish that he put me through; he deserves any shit that I can dish out to him. But, I still felt bad about being so head strong. Maybe I was still trapped in the idea of having a man. I guess I didn’t want to be lonely. Rejection and loneliness can distract anyone from doing the best thing for them. I was trying so hard to battle the pity party feeling that I had conjured up for myself. I just wanted my power back as a woman. I wanted to have that “you lose one gain one” attitude. I wanted to be nonchalant about my break up with Bobby. But I couldn’t.

I made my decision too late. I should have never showed up at the theatre. I should have called Terrel and cancelled. I feel like I got caught in the middle of a spiritual warfare of good and evil. Now I am stuck.

         Why did I still care for him? Don’t let up, Lana! You must do the right thing. I kept giving myself this pep talk as I headed out of the door. When I walked outside, I saw Terrel’s BMW pull up. I immediately went to my car and followed him to the front of the theatre. I got out and went to Terrel’s driver side window. Surprisingly, he wasn’t bad looking with his curly hair and honey brown complexion. I had to focus. I nervously tried to cancel Bobby’s plan.

      “Look Nel’s son is sick, so she couldn’t leave the house. It’s just me here. It’s better    

        if we cancel,” I explained.

       “No, it’s cool. I don’t mind, let’s stay,” replied Terrel.

       “We can hang out another night,” I demanded.

        “What’s up baby? You don’t want to spend some time with me?” Dre chimed in from the   

         passenger seat.                            

Dre, Terrel’s friend, checked me out a couple of times. He, on the other hand, was scrawny and puny with white blotches in his skin. I figured he would be a scrub. He definitely looked like he wanted to hang out. Shit, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t shake these guys. I needed time to think.

       “It’s really not a good time. But maybe I can call another friend or something. I’ll

        be right back,” I said.

            Boy was I agitated. Why wouldn’t they just leave? What idiots! Just go! These thoughts screamed in my head. I walked inside of the movie theatre. I asked the attendant for permission to use the bathroom. He allowed me to pass, and I hurriedly walked to the bathroom. I needed to think. I had to come up with another plan. I rushed into the bathroom and paced the stained tile floor, trying to strategize. I walked to the sink and threw some water on my face, trying to calm myself down. That’s when I heard the gunshots. Pow! Pow! Pow! Oh my God! Who’s been shot, Terrel or Bobby? God help me. What do I do? How did I let this happen?! Now, I’m trapped.

            Different images darted in my mind that night. A vision of Bobby sprawled out on the ground blanketed in blood stuck in my head. My mind was spinning and racing uncontrollably as I aimlessly fumbled with the bathroom door knob at the movie theatre. A part of me had to make sure everyone was okay, and another part of me just wanted to run and get the hell out of there. I rushed out of the bathroom in a blind panic and out into the parking lot and then... Buzz.

       “It’s time for your session, Lana. Dr. Hotchman is waiting,” a Teep Italian male voice says.

Back to reality. I slowly lower my pen and close my diary and look up at Manny, the prison guard who stands waiting outside of my jail cell. Manny walks into my cell and chains my hands together and leads me out. I turn back to my bed and look at my sitting diary.

       “Wait, I need to get my diary. Gotta give it to Dr. Hotchman today,” I insist as Manny

         allows me to grab it from my bed.

       “You know, the rest of the guards and I are all rooting that the parole board grants you an

         early release.”

       “Thank you. Dr. Hotchman should be able to make a case for it since Terrel survived.”

Manny smiles. I clutch my diary and smile with a glimmer of hope in my heart as he leads me down the shabby hallway. With any luck, I can get life right this time around with me as the focus and nothing else.